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Where’s Your Vision?

November 9, 2012

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Way back in my teens, I was driving the car one day, with dad beside me as a passenger. I don’t know what caused him to say what he said, but it’s been a driving force in who I am today. I don’t believe when he said it he had any idea how it would shape the rest of my life, or that it would have farther-stretching meaning to me than he intended…but it certainly did. It took many years for what he said that day to fully sink in for me, but somewhere in the back of my mind that single statement has been lingering ever since they crossed his lips.

Driving wherever we were going that day, I remember only that we were on a 4-lane divided highway, with moderate traffic ahead of us. I’m sure this is hard to imagine, but back in my younger years, I was not the safest young man on the road. I had a bad habit of following too closely and driving over the speed limit (okay, yes…I’ll admit…I still struggle with this sometimes…just ask my wife). On that day many years ago, I was doing just that…following too closely…when dad had had enough…”your problem, son, is that you’re not looking far enough down the road. I think your bad vision has you watching right in front of you, but you have to be looking down the road at what the drivers who are in front of the car right in front of you are doing.”

Do you do that too? Pay more attention to what’s going on right in front of you than what’s going on down the road? Is your vision focused on your immediate future, not the long term? Are you more concerned with your next two moves than the ten that follow those? The mark of any great chess player is that he has the vision to see every move played out before the game even starts. He can anticipate how his move will affect his opponent’s move, and so on throughout the entire game. His vision is not focused on the next two moves…it’s constantly ten (or more) moves ahead.

In every aspect of our lives, our vision has to be on what’s down the road…what’s the bigger picture? If we’re only focused on the car right in front of us, we’ll never see that up the road, cars are swerving to miss a hazard in the road…and by the time that hazard is right in front of us, it’s too late for us to avoid it. While we must certainly be aware of what’s going on right here and now in front of us, our vision has to be focused down the road…on the bigger picture. Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 4:18 that “we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Our decisions are a reflection of where our vision is focused…where our eyes look, our body follows.

God has a vision for you…and for me. If we’re so wrapped up in our lives that we’re focused on the daily tasks of survival, we’ll never see the vision He has for us. It’s not until we open our eyes to the bigger picture of what’s going on around us and ahead of us that we’ll see He has a plan for our lives that takes us out of the moment…the temporary, and moves us into the future…the eternal.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'” – Jeremiah 29:11-12

So where is your vision? Where is your focus? Are you constantly looking behind you…living in the past? Are you looking around you at what others are doing and following the crowd…just blending in? Are you looking right in front of you at what lies only immediately in front of you? Or is your vision focused on the bigger picture?

Where has God placed you on this great big planet? In all the history of the Earth, He placed you and I right here…right now. We’re all right where we are in this moment in all of time for a purpose. What’s yours? If you don’t know…there’s one way to find out. Ask Him to reveal it to you. He might…He might not. If He doesn’t right away, it’s not because He doesn’t have a plan for you…it’s because you’re not ready for it. Ask Him to help you prepare for it…so that when He’s ready to reveal it to you, you have the capacity to see the bigger picture…to better grasp how great His vision for you really is…so you’re able to see clearly the vision He has for you.

Love,

Dad

Gracious Abba Father, may you find favor on your humble servant, though I have nothing of me to offer that you require to complete your will. I am but a speck of dust in this life in the here and now, and yet you have found favor on me and placed me here to serve and honor you. For that, I thank you. I believe I have at least a glimpse of the vision you have for me, and yet I know I’m human…that my vision is not yours…what I see is not what you see. Open my eyes, Lord, that I might see more clearly the vision you have for me and my life.

Amen

It Stings a Little When I Eat the Word

November 5, 2012

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“My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” – Proverbs 4:20-27

I’m sitting here tonight eating a snack before bed, and my mouth is sore. When I bit it last night, I really bit it hard. It’s hard to chew without feeling pain, and putting any food in my mouth aggravates the pain even more…like putting salt in an open wound. Even putting the nourishing food I need for survival in my mouth right now hurts. (Okay, so I could live without this cookie, but you get the point) 🙂

And so it is with our sin. When we fall back into the habits of addiction, regardless of what that addiction is, a scar is left. Each time we sin, our relationship with God is damaged…our fellowship with Him is broken. And a scar remains. The emotional and psychological damage we bring upon ourselves when we are sexually immoral can be devastating and long lasting.

So much so that even when we turn from our sin toward God…to feed our hearts, souls and minds the nourishment they require, the Word of God…it stings. It stings when we get back into the Word. As the Spirit leads us through the Word, He convicts us of our wrongdoing and sinful nature…and that’s not always an easy pill to swallow. We need the Word, but the sore that’s left from our sin takes time to heal…that healing can only come through fellowship with Jesus, and repentance from the cause of the pain.

“The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Cor 6:12-20.

We must turn and run from what tempts us. In running from our sin, we are running toward the Son. In running from the darkness, we are running toward the Light. We can only head one direction at a time. Whichever direction we are facing, our bodies will follow. What our eyes are fixed upon is where we will head.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Cor 4:18

Love,

Dad

I Bit My Cheek

November 5, 2012

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I’m sure at some point, everyone’s done it at least once.  On the way home last night, I was minding my own business, just enjoying my strawberry shake, when it happened.  The inside of my cheek got in the way…and I accidentally bit it.  I don’t do it often, but when I do, it hurts…bad.  Sometimes for only a brief moment or two…other times, longer.  In the moments following that bite, there’s not much you can do but sit there and wince as you suck it up and wait for the pain to subside.  After a minute or so…the pain gone, with just the uncomfortable sore in my mouth…I continued drinking my shake.  And though aware of the sore in my mouth, I soon bit it again…which hurt worse than the first bite!

Which got me thinking…living with an addiction to pornography (or any addiction for that matter) is a lot like that.  It’s been so long since I’ve bitten my cheek, I can’t remember that far back.  I don’t set out to bite my cheek, because I’m not into the whole causing myself pain thing.  Likewise, we can be doing really well with our addiction, winning battle after battle for months on end.  We can be in the Word regularly, talking with God daily, and staying in close fellowship with Him.  And all of a sudden, with no warning at all, Satan strikes!

A seemingly innocent picture here.  A tempting commercial there.  An attractive woman looks our way.  An overheard comment at work.  And before we know it, one thing leads to another…one glance leads to a second glance…a third…fourth.  One comment leads to a discussion, which fills our minds with thoughts that entice us.  Those thoughts become overpowering, and we forget to cloak ourselves in the Word.  As we slowly slip down a path we didn’t set out to be on, we’ve fallen prey to Satan’s attack and before we know it…bitten ourselves.  We didn’t set out to cause ourselves this pain, but here we are…immersed in pain and guilt for having done this to ourselves.

And like the sore in our mouth after biting our cheek is protruding…making it easier to bite again and again, so it is with addiction.  It’s in the aftermath of our sin, that the devil ramps up his efforts, making it easier to repeat the sin again and again and again.  He uses that first opening to continue his onslaught against us.  And as we struggle through feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness, it becomes easier and easier to allow him to keep pushing that door farther and farther open.  And before we know it, he’s made his way back into our heart and our life.

“In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.” – Jude 1:7

“As for other matters, brothers and sisters, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.  For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.  It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.  The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” – 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8

Fortunately, we have a Savior who loves us enough to forgive us.  All that is required of us is to seek forgiveness and repent.  To repent does not simply mean to feel sorry…it’s defined in the dictionary as “to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one’s life for the better“.  Not just to feel sorrow, but to feel such sorrow that we turn away from the cause of the sin…and not just to turn away from it…but to turn and run!  When we’re running  from something (sin) or someone (Satan), we’re also running to something (holiness) and someone (Jesus).

Love,

Dad

Lord, may I continue running toward you and continue to leave the sins of my past behind me!  I’m on a path toward you now, and I long to stay on this path.  I long for the riches of your kingdom…for the fellowship with you that you desire with me.  Lord, continue to strengthen me in my walk and clothe me in your Spirit…that I might be cloaked in righteousness and faithfulness.  Help me to secure the armor of the your Holy Word around me that there would be no hole for the enemy to penetrate me.  Fill me with your Spirit, that I would have the wisdom to stay on this path you have set me upon, veering from the constant onslaught of the path the enemy desires I follow.  Father God, thank you for your forgiveness, and thank you for the wisdom you show me daily.  I am unworthy to be called your child, and yet you find me worthy of love.

Amen.

My Step Into the Light

October 28, 2012

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I’ve been struggling with something as of late.  In recent months, I’ve been in a funk.  No desire to read the Bible.  No passion to pray.  No sense of intimacy or depth of feeling to my relationship with Christ.  In my prayers and preparing to facilitate a men’s 8-week Bible study based on the movie Courageous that starts tomorrow night, two things are occurring:

1.  I’ve been praying that God would reveal to me all the sin in my life, so that I can confess it and repent.  Whether it’s sin I know of or sin that I’m not aware of, I’ve asked the Lord to help me see it and turn from it…to follow hard after him.

2.  The devil has been upping his efforts against me, causing me to question and doubt that I am able to lead other men through the Bible.  Specifically, I’ve been struggling with the fear I find in the answer to the question “am I the man worthy of leading other men? I am not qualified or able to do what He’s asking me to do”.

Words today from Jayne Patton, a dear sister in Christ and author behind the Freshly Brewed ministry, challenged me and helped me to better understand what I’ve been grappling with.  She posed the question:  “What would it look like if you let go of the things that hold you back in your walk with Christ? If you stopped worrying about what your [family] would think of you. If you stopped worrying about what your friends will think of you. Proverbs 29:25 says ‘The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in GOD protects you from that.‘  Fear disables.  It disables you from fully experiencing God’s very best.  It disables you from experiencing the life He has planned for you.  That doesn’t sound very appealing to me…”

It doesn’t sound good to me either, which got me thinking.  In preparing to lead this Bible study, the Spirit has been revealing all the varying sins in my life.  As each is revealed to me, I begin to pray that God would strengthen me to overcome it…that He would fill me with Himself that there is no room for my sin.  And I continue praying for the courage to face my fears.  Today, I’m putting into practical application the courage God is giving me…and I’m outing my sin publicly.

It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for over 20 years.  I’ve been keeping this secret sin hidden for so long that the habits have become second nature.  I’ve shared this with, and have the support of a loving wife…and I have a trusted friend as an accountability partner…a man of God who’s not afraid to call me out when I need it.  But it’s not enough.  In my humanness and my addiction, I find ways around the accountability.  In my preparations for starting this Bible study tomorrow, I believe God is calling me to be Courageous.  To take it up a notch.  To stand boldly and profess that I am weak, and He is strong.  To bring my hidden sin out of the dark and shed the Light upon it.

So here I stand…admitting what I’ve hidden in shame for the majority of my life.  I’m putting myself out there in the hopes that I no longer have to live in a tension-filled relationship with my Savior  I’m believing that the Light invades the darkness to reveal what is hidden so that it remains hidden no more.  Believing that when the Light permeates the darkness, there can be no darkness remaining.  Knowing that admitting this publicly provides me even more resolve to overcome it.  Knowing that it puts the fear on the table, so that I can move past the fear and be all that God desires of me.

And it’s my hope that through fighting my addiction to pornography here publicly I can not only prevent you, my young children, from making these same mistakes, but that I can be an encouragement to other men in the same struggle.  As my sister in Christ offered her encouragement to me today, it’s my goal that God would “sanctify it ALL in order to use it ALL at His discretion and at His direction.”  The choice to pursue Jesus with everything is a daily choice.  I fail some days.  And at the end of the day, I lay my head on the shoulder of the God who forgives.  And every morning I wake up with The Lord who wipes clean the stains of my past, filled with the Spirit who is rested and ready to walk with me.

I will address this topic here in much more depth over the course of the next several months, as God leads.  In His timing, I will write about what He leads me to reveal.  It will be in no particular order.  For right now, I’m emotionally exhausted.  This note has been a long time in the making…months of prayer and thought has gone into how to share this.  I’m winning this battle now, but I know that as I step out to begin walking other men through the Word, that Satan will continue trying to knock me down.

For now, I’m content to open to the world the door to my darkness…to step out in faith and follow Him…to step into the light.

Love,

Dad

Do the Hard Stuff

October 21, 2012

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My unofficial time is 03:33:28. That’s my estimate, not official timing. Nothing I’m particularly proud of…but no easy feat either. I certainly have better potential within me. But that potential won’t be reached unless I train for it. My heart was willing, but my body was unable. I’m so much more sore today than after any other race I’ve run. My legs are done…the muscles totally spent. My back stiffened up halfway in. My ankles followed shortly afterward. I’m sore in places I forgot I had.

I knew it would be bad. You just can’t wake up one day and run 13.1 miles effectively, and expect to not totally trash your body, without training for it. It takes months of preparation to condition the body for the beating it will take over the course of 13.1 miles. I knew that my time would be much slower than I’m capable of, and I knew my body would be beaten. It would have been easy to skip this race, to bow out because I was not prepared. But my not being prepared was by my own choices. I signed up to race, paid the fee, and said I’d run. I didn’t promise anyone else but myself I’d do it. But God is teaching me that the easiest person to lie to is ourselves. If we’ll break a promise to ourselves, what makes us think we’d keep our promises to others.

If I could give you something from this experience it would be this. When you say you’ll do something, do it. Regardless of how much it hurts, man up and honor your word. Live with integrity and the resolve to do the hard stuff. Even when you don’t want to. Nothing that’s worth having is ever easy. The more challenging the task, the more rewarding the prize at the end of the journey.

Dream big. God-sized big! And go after your dreams with all you have. Don’t settle for the limits others will place on your ability. “(One of) the greatest pleasures in life is doing the things people say we cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot You have the power within you to do great things! Harness that power and get out there and do them! Glorify God in all things.

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run , but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Every one who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” – 1 Cor. 9:24-27

Run the race of your life in such a way as to get the prize God has waiting for you.

Love,

Dad

What If Our Daily Bread Isn’t Steak & Eggs?

October 11, 2012

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I know this is hard to imagine, but as a child, I wasn’t always the best choice maker. I was known to be stubborn and hard-headed, and could give my parents a run for their money. When I wanted something, I wanted it right now…and no one (not even my parents) were gonna tell me no. With dad often working, 40+ hours a week plus commute time, mom was home with us more than he was, and thus was often the one who bore the brunt of my attitude problems. I can recall hearing mom say something like “we’ll deal with this when your dad gets home.” Oh, the fear those 5 little words would instill. “When your dad gets home…”

Of all the times I remember hearing those words, I don’t ever recall feeling good about what was to come…no excitement. No joy. No peace. Nope…those words meant trouble was on the horizon. I had done something that was soon to be bringing the wrath of God down upon me. (okay, maybe not God, but I was a kid…might as well have been God when the man you admire and respect was coming home to rain down punishment on me).

I would usually wait with dread and despair for what was coming. Hide in my room and hope she’d forget to tell him. Hope he would be too tired to deal with it. Pray for divine intervention. Never did I pray for the discipline that was to come. I was desperately praying for a reprieve from the belt…never once did I pray to actually receive the belt. What child in his right mind would pray to be disciplined?!

“Father give us this day, our daily bread…” When we hear that, we usually equate “daily bread” with good things…things like our food and nourishment. When asked how we should pray, Christ’s response was to first show us our need for total reliance on the Father for our daily sustenance…for all we need. When God rained down manna from the heavens for His people, He supplied their need…gave them exactly what they needed for that day…no more…no less. I don’t know how it tasted, but I can imagine after eating the same thing over and over for awhile, what they wanted was a nice juicy steak, cut thick and cooked just right, with some steamed vegetables and warm garlic bread on the side. But they didn’t get what they wanted…they got what they needed.

And that’s just one of the awesome things about God. He gives us what we need, right when we need it…in His timing, not ours. Whether we realize we need it or not. We’re His children. And like children often do, sometimes what we need is discipline. As painful as the discipline can be, as scary as it is to face, as much as we dread it…it’s necessary. We’re children. Children need discipline. Not necessarily punishment…discipline. Punishment is anger-based. Discipline is love-based. God doesn’t punish us…He disciplines us. Because He loves us. So when we ask God for our daily bread, are we truly prepared to accept it, even if it’s not steak and eggs? Are we willing to accept our daily bread, even when what we truly need today is to be disciplined?

Love,

Dad

Lord, may I be willing to accept your discipline, along with your provision. Thank you for loving me enough to recognize my need, even when I can’t. Thank you for loving me enough to discipline me so that I would come back into fellowship with you. Thank you for overlooking my grumblings when the daily bread you provide is the manna I need, not the steak and eggs I want.

Amen

I Like it Here

September 24, 2012

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The last week or so since I wrote Welcome to My Vulnerability has been pretty good.  I’ve been staying pretty busy…very busy actually.  This time of year gets pretty hectic with all of you in school and the Upward Sports season starting up.  Throw in some of the other ministries I’ve committed my time to, and I just don’t really have the time to sit down and spend much time writing.  I miss it.

As I write this, I’m watching Bubba play cars on the chair beside me before we leave for school.  I was clearing memory cards from the camera last night, uploading pictures and making room.  We had pictures dating back to the fall of 2010 on there, so I was getting a first glimpse in several years at what life was like back then  So much has changed since then.  Life is pretty good right now…even for all the hectic nonstop action we have going on during any given week.  I often think back on the times when y’all were kids and wish we could go back.  To a time when you were still learning to walk and talk.  After browsing through pictures last night, I realize I’m good.

Perhaps it’s because I have been so focused on preparing for the basketball season…so wrapped up in my rather large and ever-growing to-do list…that I just haven’t had the space in my head for much else…for any negativity.  I like it here.  I like being right here.  Right now.  In the moment.  I don’t want to live in the past.  Or dwell on it any longer.  The funk I’ve been in for much of this past month has kept me from truly enjoying every moment for exactly what it is.  Our life.  I’m ready to push the memories of that incident aside and move forward.  I like it here.  I like the present.  I like watching you play.  I like playing with you.  I look to the future with hope and confidence.  And with one eye on the future and one eye on the present, I have no eye left for the past.  And I’m good with that.  I like it here.

Love,

Dad

The Ultimate Do-Over

September 20, 2012

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I just seem to really be missing the boat here lately. I’m sitting here waiting while SD is at her Therapeutic Horsemanship session, and I reread my previous note. Perhaps I didn’t see it when I first wrote it this morning because I was rushed trying to get to our Daddy Daughter Date Day. Or, perhaps I was just so focused on saying what I needed to say, that I couldn’t see past what I wanted to say. Either way…for whatever reason…I missed the boat.

The “Do-Over”…of course I believe in it. If I didn’t, I would be unable to receive the forgiveness offered in the grace and mercy of my Savior, Jesus Christ. The ultimate giver of the “do-over”.

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” – Colossians 1:13-14

I’m thankful and appreciative beyond words that I can go to God and confess my sins. That I can spill my ugliness at the foot of the Giver of Life. That He takes my sin and washes it away. That He cleanses me and makes me new. That He forgives me when I don’t deserve it. That no matter how many times I fall…no matter how many times I seek forgiveness for the same sin, He hears my sincere heart every time and accepts me into His kingdom…through the redemption of the Son. Thank you Lord for being, and remaining, the Author and Founder of the ultimate “do-over.”

I pray daily that you, my children, would one day know Jesus like I do…even better than I do.

Love,

Dad

The Do-Over Only Works on the Playground

September 20, 2012

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Do you believe in “do-overs”? In giving grace and showing mercy to someone and allowing them a chance to do something again, to try to right a wrong? I am. Unfortunately, that’s nearly impossible to actually do when our “do-over” is needed after we say something we shouldn’t have said. We can try, but we’re just never really able to completely wipe the memory of our words away.

It’s been almost a week since I wrote. For me, that seems like an eternity. I’ve just not had the passion within me to write much this past week. My last several notes took a lot out of me, and I’ve not had the desire to even think about or discuss the root of my problem, the incident at work that threw my emotions into a tailspin.

This morning, mom and SI had left for school, and while waiting for NE’s bus to pick him up, I enjoyed sitting and watching him play. I haven’t just sat and watched you or your siblings just play in awhile. I’m usually sitting with the computer on my lap, a phone in my hand, or while walking around doing stuff around the house…I don’t remember the last time I just sat and watched. And in my time watching NE this morning, I heard God. For the first time in at least a week, I heard God’s whisper. It’s amazing how clear He is when we when we sit and be still:

“He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” – Psalm 46:10

In God’s whisper this morning, He convicted me, and immediately I knew that I had handled a situation last weekend poorly. And just to drive the point home even further, I spent some time in the Word afterward…and this is what God showed me:

“for we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a mature man who is also able to control his whole body.” – James 3:2

I spent almost all of last month in the book of James, but apparently in all that time, I didn’t learn what God had brought me here to learn. God spent a month preparing me for last weekend’s email, and had I heeded James’ warning, perhaps I would have handled it better. It’s apparent, I’m not as mature as I’d like to think I am most days. At 39 years of age, I’m obviously as immature as they come. The rest of chapter 3 talks about controlling the tongue…and chapter 4 talks about being proud or humble. I read these words dozens of times last month…literally several dozen times. So when the email from a family member arrived in my inbox on Saturday, I recognized that I needed to take some time to digest it and put some thought and prayer into my reply. What I failed to actually do was put some serious prayer into it. You see, controlling the tongue is not just about watching what you actually let cross your lips…it’s also about what you write. I should have picked up on that before last Saturday…my immaturity is painfully obvious.

For what it’s worth, I did wait to reply. I prayed some throughout a busy day at work, and I put some thought into my reply. I should have put some more thought and prayer into it, because I almost instantly knew it was the wrong reply. I don’t fault this family member for reaching out to me. I don’t fault the family members who asked him/her to reach out to me. I know that everyone’s intentions were in right place. That they were trying to help me through a difficult time. I tried as eloquently as I could to word my response in a way that made that clear…and in a way that did not put this person on the defensive for what I claimed was an attack at my faith.

I failed…because if I had written back with what I believe God would want me to have said, it would have been much different. If given the opportunity for a “do-over”, I would simply say:

“Thank you for caring enough about me to write to me. Thank you for having the courage and for loving me enough to reach out in faith to try and help me through this. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. It means the world to me that you care enough about me as a person to write to me. Please know that I’m good. I’m working through my issues with this incident, and God is carrying me through it. I may sometimes walk through some dark places with my emotions, but I won’t be there long because I have the resources to get through it. I’m good. Thank you again for loving me. I love you too.”

But, that’s if we lived in a world where the “do-over” actually worked. Learn from my mistake child…because we don’t. The “do-over” only works on the playground.

Love,

Dad

Welcome To My Vulnerability

September 14, 2012

A Note From Dad Faith, Work , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

To my friends and family in the EMS community,

Thank you for taking a moment from your day to drop by. I am honored and blessed that the creator of our Facebook page “EMS for Christ” allowed me to become an admin for the page. It has been a blessing for me to step out of my comfort zone and share some of my walk of faith with you. And I’ve enjoyed watching the “fan base” grow to just over 900 at my last check-in. I have been reluctant to share my personal blog on our Facebook page’s wall much, because I don’t want to come across as though I’m pushing my blog for my own prideful gain. I just don’t want to come across that way at all, because it’s not who I am. Most of what I write here is written as notes to my children, so they’re not things that are necessarily “appropriate” to share on our Facebook page, given the mission and goal of the page. But I’m having such a difficult time processing my emotions following a recent incident at work, that my last four blog entries have been devoted to this alone, and not really addressed to my children. Which brings me to why I invited you here today.

There was some great discussion on our recent post about dealing with on-the-job related lost-traumatic stress. I’ll be honest, I asked that question somewhat selfishly. I responded this incident about two weeks ago that started affecting me almost immediately, and the last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion…emotions I’m not comfortable with, and feelings that are overwhelming. My partner and I were on the confined space entry team to perform this recovery, which is about all the incident-related specifics I can share here. I posed the question on our Facebook wall, in part because I’m looking for some reinforcement for myself…but I also know that with over 900 followers on that page, there are others out there who are dealing with this too, or have dealt with it in the past. My goal was not only to help myself a little bit, but to maybe help someone else who’s in a similar season, or will be in the future.

You see, although I feel isolated and alone, I know I’m not. I know others in our “family” have gone through their own post-traumatic incident-induced stress. And I believe in drawing upon the strength of those who have walked through a similar valley. We who work in this field, be it EMS, fire, police, dispatch, hospital, public, private or military are unique. The people around us don’t get it. Honestly, I don’t blame them. Until you’ve walked side-by-side with death, you can’t understand. We truly are a family of our own, regardless of whether we work together or not. Quite honestly, I’m closer to my crew than I am some of my own flesh and blood family, not counting my wife. Love ya’ baby. 🙂 But there are some things I can’t share with her. I can’t share the specifics of my incident with her, for her own sake. She and I have talked in general about my battle, and she’s completely on board with supporting me in whatever capacity I need. But our EMS “family” can help each other in ways even our spouses cannot.

For me, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and I’m plowing through this minefield of emotion in several ways. I was able to seek guidance from my senior pastor two days afterward. The perspective offered by a neutral friend, who is also a believer is priceless. It didn’t hurt that he served in the field prior to being called to pastor. I’m also good friends with a new pastor who recently left our department after over ten years as a firefighter to answer God’s call to pastor a church nearby. I’m blessed to have these two great resources. I’ve also tried running to burn through the stress. Exercise helps me to focus my mind and my thoughts into something understandable. And I’ve blogged. About this topic and how it’s affected me, I’ve blogged a lot in the last two weeks.

I’ve been encouraged to share my writings in a wider circle. And I believe some of what I’m dealing with during this time of my life may resonate with someone out there on the job. I could be way off here, but I hope not. You should know, though, I’m certainly not the man with the answers. I am the WORST of the worst sinners, and I don’t consider myself worthy to help guide a fellow believer along his own path, because more often than not, I’m the one that needs the guidance. I am who I am only through the saving grace of my Savior Jesus.

I don’t like putting myself “out there”. My site here is pretty simple and quaint. I have a small following, mostly family and friends. And I’m comfortable like that. The thought of opening myself up to a bigger world is scary. I don’t like being vulnerable. And yet I believe God is asking me to do just that. To allow strangers into my little world, so someone somewhere can see that they’re not alone either. Because trust me, I feel alone and isolated in my feelings right now. I know I’m not, but that doesn’t change how I feel.

So here goes a leap of faith. If you’re walking through a post-traumatic stress-filled world, you are NOT alone. Seek the help and support you need. Reach out. To someone. I know reaching out to people at work is not always feasible. I get that completely. I haven’t shared what I’m going through with any of my coworkers yet. I think only one or two might actually take time to read my little blog, which is fine. This is part of the scary part of opening myself up like this, because I do know that several of my coworkers “like” the Facebook page, so they’re seeing this for the first time, and I’ll be honest…I’m not sure I’m completely ready for this next part of the ride. But it’s a leap of faith for a reason, right?

Whether you are in the valley now, have been there or will be in the future, I hope you can find God’s voice talking to you in what I’m sharing. Remember, I’m not the man with all the answers. But I know the man who is. He suffered everything we’ve ever suffered and more…endured everything we’ve ever endured and more. Felt everything we’ve ever felt and more. Walked everywhere we’ve ever walked and more. His name is Jesus Christ, and you can know him too if you don’t already. You can catch up with me on where I have been, and see where I’m going, by visiting my new page dedicated to this new part of my life’s journey.

Thank you for stopping in and allowing me the opportunity to share my most personal, vulnerable thoughts and emotions with you. If you are walking in the valley right now, seek support. You can comment or email me through here. You can comment on our Facebook page, or send a message to the page’s admins. You can share a general prayer request or be as specific as you want to be (and can be in a public forum). We are here for you. We are in this together. We are not alone.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:12

I will continue to share my walk along this particular path with you on our Facebook page, for as long as you’ll allow me. I pray you don’t see it as a selfish pride for me, but as a desire to 1. Help in my own healing; and 2. To be an encouragement for someone else’s healing. Have a blessed day and be safe out there.

Jay

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